Lame Quote(s) of the Day:

• 5/17/2009 "PUT IN A RELIEVER FOR CLINT HURDLE! TODAY!" Woody Paige in the Sunday Denver Post. It's never too late to jump on the Baseball Observer's band wagon, Woody! Now, if some of your other chucklehead colleagues, notable Troy E. (the "E" is for "Effervescent", as in bubbly) Renck, would jump on board, maybe the owners would pay attention....Naah.

• 5/3/2009 "It takes two hands and two feet to list the number of hitters he's helped revive." Troy E. Renck, joking about Clint Hurdle, we hope, because there is no indication that Hurdle has ever revived the career or batting stroke of any major or minor league hitter, including himself. But maybe Renck, who has never been know for his accuracy or clarity, is referring to Clint's CPR prowess, which enables him to revive hitters that may have fainted or been knocked out by a pitch while following Rockies' hitting coach Don Baylor's technique of "using your head" to hit the ball. Or maybe when Troy writes "helped revive", he means by referring them to a competent hitting coach. More likely, Troy doesn't mean the fingers and toes on two hands and two feet, just two hands plus two feet, or 4. Hurdle may have "helped revive" four hitters who have passed out. That is possible, if not likely.

• 4/10/2009 "Fowl Call. Dexter Fowler was called out for running out of the first baseline on a third inning bunt attempt, a ruling that left him miffed." Replays clearly showed Fowler running inside of the line, rather than in the 3-foot lane clearly marked outside the baseline. He was not called out for "running out of the first baseline" but for running inside and interfering with the fielders path to throw the ball. The rule book is very clear and the umpires got it right, even though Hurdle, the radio and TV announcers, and the Denver Post, still can't figure it out. Get a clue!

• 6/25/2008 "Maybe he lit a pilot light we have had trouble keeping lit, and we can thank him when it's all said and done."  This quote from Rube Hurdle from the Post apparently refers to KC reliever and former Rockie Ramon Ramirez allegedly throwing at Yorvit Torrealba. Not even he knows what he meant. - Ed.

• 10/22/2007 "The Rockies were stunned. They had no idea this was going to happen." Channel Nine Newscaster Ward Lucas in the aftermath of the World Series ticket debacle. The Rockies' management team were the only surprised people in the Western Hemisphere; everyone else expected it.  - Ed.

• 10/13/2007 "We have not been outplayed," Eric Byrnes said on Saturday. "If anything, it's the other way around."  The former Rockie is expressing the same sentiment felt by all of the teams beaten by the Rockies lately. It's hard to accept the that the Rockies are suddenly good after a decade of being doormats. -Ed.

• 5/23/2007 "There is about the local fan the sense that bad baseball is better than no baseball." Bernie "Lame-O" Lincicome on the Scripps website, probably because he didn't have the guts to put it in the Rocky Mountain News. Denver baseball fans are far better than that, but the Rocky Mountain News and the other media in town, obviously feel that bad writing is better than no writing, as they prove by continuing to employ people like Bernie and Kiszla, and Renck, etc., etc.

• 3/31/2007 "They have balanced run production in the middle with a 3- 4-5-6 alignment of right-handed-hitting Garrett Atkins, left- handed-hitting Todd Helton, right-handed-hitting Matt Holliday and left-handed-hitting Garrett Atkins. " Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News. Despite being in the Hall of Fame, Tracy is a little shaky on the rules. Even if Atkins could hit from both sides of the plate, he is not allowed to bat both 3rd and 6th in the order. Besides, what if he is on base when his turn comes again? - Ed.

• 10/22/2006 "Baseball fans in Detroit are no doubt anointing Jim Leyland as the greatest manager in history after leading the once woeful Tigers to the World Series. I beg to differ. To me, Leyland will always be a quitter. I base my impression on the one season Leyland spent with the Colorado Rockies."  Jim Spence in the Pueblo Chieftain. (Proof positive that while the worst sportswriters may all be in Colorado, they are all not in Denver. - ed.)

• 7/21/2006 "Manager Clint Hurdle, who never has taken a team to the postseason, shifted to a six-man bullpen this week." Anonymous caption beneath photo of Clint Hurdle in today's Denver Post Sports section. The photo looks like it was used because it makes him look especially stupid. Of course Clint has never managed a team in the playoffs - he never even managed a T-Ball squad before the Rockies' brain trust decided he would be the next Bobby Cox in 2001. (Not quite true, as he did manage in the low minors from 1988 to 1993 and did so poorly he had to move to coaching hitters.)

• 1/12/2006  "I am excited about this year. I don't care want anybody says, I believe we have a chance."  Another tragic misquote by Troy E. (The "E" stands for "Error") Renck in the Denver Post. The editors don't read what the writers write, the proofreaders apparently can't read, and the writers themselves don't bother to check their own work before it is printed.

• 8/02/2005  "The organization has to figure it out.  They have a good idea what they need to do.  I just think they don't know how to do it."  Shawn Chacon in the Denver Post.  (Ya think? ed.)

• 7/22/2005 "Halfway through Colorado's savage summer, Rockies manager Clint Hurdle has twice been ordered to his sick bed while a fan website jokingly counts the days until the franchise sinks so low it flees to Portland, Ore. " Bill Briggs in the Denver Post. (A fan website? The Baseball Observer is not just a fan website.  And, what's the idea of quoting our content without legitimate credit?  And, what makes him think we're joking? ed.)

• 7/20/2005 "I have never said I wanted out of here. I would love to be around when we finally turn this thing around. But that's out of my control." Shawn Chacon in the Denver Post. (Yes it is out of your control, Shawn; nobody lives 500 years anymore. ed.)

• 7/18/2005 "I would hope our (goal) is to get better. It should be. I mean, it better be." Delusional Todd Helton in the Denver Post, when asked what he thought about the recent trades of Preston Wilson, Jay Witasick, and Joe Kennedy. (Although this is unrelated to the quote itself, what does the Post mean by putting "goal" in parenthesis? Apparently, Helton said something else that they decided to replace with "(goal)", which is totally incomprehensible to the Baseball Observer. Just another incidence of the Post's propensity to play fast and loose with the facts. 

• 7/11/2005 "I know that a lot of teams would like to have the nucleus of players and fan support we have." Charlie Monfort in the Denver Post. (This is another quote that shows the Rockies principal owner is living in a dream world. Other than Helton, the nucleus of the team consists of 25 year old+ first and second year players that were passed over by other teams and received lukewarm scouting reports. As for fan support, recent statistics show the Rockies dead last in the National League in average ticket revenue per game, and ahead of only the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in all of baseball.

• 6/28/2005 "I went out and tried (to talk to Buddy Bell) twice, but I got his back. That was it. He obviously overrates how much power I have." Clint "Rube" Hurdle commenting on his former boss' refusal to talk to him during a recent visit to Denver. Hurdle admits trying to get Buddy fired after Bell let him keep his job, but thinks it was OK because he didn't make the actual decision to fire him. One can only hope that he finds out someday how Buddy felt from first-hand experience.

• 5/20/2005 "So while the Rockies face a grim season with declining attendance, I think it's premature to lump them into any discussion of relocation." Troy Renck in his moronic "Rockies Mailbag" in the Denver Post. Rockies Gasbag is more like it.

• 5/6/2005 "Since their inception, the Rockies have been less offensive on the road than "7th Heaven," forever leading the league in statistical discrepancies away from their home park." Once again, the world's lamest sportswriter tells what he is doing rather than observing baseball - watching lame TV shows on lame networks.

• 4/15/2005 "It's real easy to lead when things are going well. It's a lot harder when you feel like everything is going wrong." Rockies General Manager "Dimwit" Dan O'Dowd speaking from a theoretical perspective, since he has shown no leadership ability or success in any situation.

• 4/14/2005 "It's not about, we have to win every game. We are going out there to do that, but not every game is a win or lose situation. You are picking your spots to build mind-sets and incorporate for the future." Clint "Rube" Hurdle explaining why he is such a terrible manager.

• 4/13/2005 "In a sport that seeks truth in numbers, errors speak with refreshing candor." In his everlasting quest for something to say, Troy Renck of the Denver Post decided this was witty and meaningful. Unfortunately, he was sadly mistaken.

• 4/9/2005 "When the same team just played 12-10 and 14-6 (games) in one place 1-0 in another, it can only be the ballpark." Mike Klis in the Denver Post, which may be the stupidest generality in the history of sports writing, and the most obviously false one.

• 4/4/2005 "I think we are going to win the West", Charlie "Meats" Monfort, owner and CEO of the Rockies.

• 2/27/2005 "Colorado is at rock bottom. The Rockies are auditioning nine pitchers for their closer job. The plan is that whoever fares the best this spring will win the role. Or, if no one distinguishes himself, the Rocks will just equally spread out their nine save chances of the season." From "Caught on the Fly" in The Sporting News.

• 1/06/2004 "(John) Lynch led with his head and hit (Dallas) Clark in what was initially ruled a clean hit by officials, but after replay review it was called a personal foul." Denver Post columnist Thomas George, trying to further infuriate Denver Broncos fans by deliberately mis-stating the facts.

• 12/31/2004 "But once the season starts, it's all about winning. I like the direction we're going here. Even though we're going to be a young team, that doesn't mean you can't win." Dustan Mohr, talking about the Rockies, with whom he had just signed.

• 12/11/2004 "We're going to have to be relentless." Hurdle said. "We're going to have to keep coming at you. Talent-wise, there are going to be a lot of teams with more talent. That goes back to the beauty of the game. You don't throw the back of the baseball cards out there and play war with them, and it all comes down to starting pitching. You saw last year we played a lot of good teams and our starting pitching kept us in games the entire last two months of the season, pretty much."  Clint Hurdle, mumbling incoherently at the Anaheim baseball meetings. (The starting pitching didn't keep them in many games, as they were 21-36 in the last two months, and were outscored by 50 runs. Of the 24 non-blowout losses to contenders, the average margin was just over 3 runs. In other words, Clint is totally wrong, in fact, not even close. - ed.)

• 6/7/2004 "I'm too tired to talk." Barry Bonds after Sunday's game. (Maybe he should see a pharmacist - we understand there may be drugs you can take that will make you feel more energetic. ed).

• 5/8/2004 "I thought it was a private conversation." Clint Hurdle giving his best Condoleezza Rice impression when he found out that Damian Jackson disclosed to the press Hurdle's unprofessional conduct while cutting Jackson during Spring Training. According to Jackson, who led off today's game with a homerun against Rockies' Ace Joe Kennedy, Hurdle said he had a bad attitude when he was cut, which he says is untrue and uncalled for. As reported by T-Renck in the Post, May 9, 2004.

• 5/8/2004 "If the pitching doesn't come around, it's going to be a long year."  Another insightful observation from Clint Hurdle, current Rockies Manager, as quoted by T-Renck in the Denver Post on May 9, 2004.

• 3/29/2004 '"It was disappointing because he was a friend. It reminds you that this is a business. Someday it's going to be me." - Rockies starter Shawn Chacon, on the release of utility player Damian Jackson - Troy E. Renck' (Apparently Troy wasn't paying attention when the Rockies moved Chacon from starter to closer. Maybe he didn't think it was important - Ed.)

• 3/15/2004 "I see Todd retiring in a Rockies uniform. He is a cornerstone of the future." - Rockies owner Charlie Monfort in The Denver Post (The Baseball Observer would like to go on record as predicting that Helton will be traded to a contender by the end of 2004 - ed)

• 2/25/2004  "The Rockies are even holding out hope they can avoid their first attendance decline since 1997." Mike Klis in the Denver Post. (Of course, he must have meant "avoid an attendance decline for the first time since 1997", but you know English is a tough language, especially for Mr. Klis. - ed)

• 2/16/2004 "Old is a bad word for me. It implies players who are at the end of their careers. The guys we have added can be productive. I don't see ages, I see awareness." According to Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post, Rockies general manager Dan O'Dowd said this, although we tend to doubt the accuracy of the quote, since it appears to make no sense whatever.

• 12/19/03 '"The proposed traded is dead," Red Sox president Larry Lucchino said in a statement.' This sentence was ripped directly from page 9D of the Denver Post of December 19, 2003. We had to ask ourselves, if Mr. Lucchino is illiterate or drunk, or if this was just another incident of the worst newspaper in America showing its contempt for readers by not bothering to read any of their articles before they go to press. After checking other sources, we concluded it was the latter.

• 9/24/2003 "The story rings apocryphal." Troy E. (apparently he thinks the "E" means "Pulitzer Prize") Renck in the Denver Post. ("apocryphal" is a seldom used word usually meaning "false" or "fictitious". ed)

• 9/20/2003 "At this time of day in Coors Field, the sun is setting and it makes it hard to see the ball." said Rockies TV Announcer George Frazier at 2:30 PM with the sun shining brightly, trying to explain why Larry Walker was unable to catch a fly ball. 

• 9/15/2003 "Clint likes to talk and says things maybe he doesn't realize what he's saying." Larry Walker, speaking about Clint Hurdle, as quoted by Mark Kiszla in the Denver Post.

• 8/31/2003 "I have been around the game long enough to know that before we can bring the World Series to Colorado we have to first get in the playoffs." Jerry McMorris, former CEO of the Rockies, now retired, as reported in the Denver Post (Too bad he didn't figure that out during the 10 years he was actually running the team. ed.).

  8/25/2003 "The less-than-rabid scene in the dugout served as a reminder that while Tsao's leg is a concern, his success depends on his golden right arm." Troy E. Renck (The "E" is so he won't be confused with the other, less-talented Troy Renck's working at the Post. ed), Mr. Renck once again displays his ignorance of the mechanics of pitching and baseball history. Apparently, pitchers only move their legs to distract the batter, and they don't really need them.

• 7/10/2003 "Brian Fuentes is averaging 11 strikeouts per inning." Drew Goodman, Rockies/Fox Sports TV announcer. His equally dull co-announcer, George Frazier, didn't notice the error.

• 6/9/2003 "The Rockies, weary from rain puddles and Royals punches, were just trying not to get voted off the island." Troy E. Renck (The "E" is obviously for the Effluent he pumps out daily. ed), showing, once again, why the Denver Newspaper cartel is renowned far and wide as publishers of the worst newspapers in history.

• 6/8/2003 "This particular operating cycle ties to a capital call but the economic condition leaves a lot of unknowns for a lot of people." Rockies President Keli McGregor, as quoted by Mike Klis in the Denver Post. (When your executives are not qualified to manage the local McDonalds, these are the kind of quotes you get. ed.)

• 6/6/2003 "(Jason) Jenning's composure runs more the way of Dr. Bruce Banner, stoic, professional." Troy E. Renck (The "E" stands for the ENNUI he obviously has for his job and passes on to his readers. Does anyone know who this Dr. Banner is, who Troy obviously seems to the think is the world-renowned symbol of "stoic, professional" behavior? Maybe Mr. Renck would be a better writer if he had other interests besides the comics and kid's movies and TV shows. ed.)

• 6/2/2003 "the Rockies have become Charlie Brown, and everyone else is Lucy holding the football." Troy E. Renck (The "E" obviously stands for the ENMITY he feels for his readers and his job as evidenced by his frequent lame efforts. ed.)

• 5/25/2003 "If you get good pitching and good defense, you win baseball games." words of wisdom from the lamest announcer in broadcasting history, UPN's George Frazier.  

• 5/17/2002 "Helton was 1-for-3, raising his average against the Expos to .421, the highest against one team by any active player." Mathematically-challenged reporting by ESPN Online.  

• 5/12/2003 "For now, it's only dangerous Freud for thought." by Troy E. (The "E" stands for EAGER, so eager to say something clever that he frequently makes no sense at all) Renck in the Denver Post.  

• 5/7/2003 "It was a stupid pitch choice. Andruw Jones can hit anybody's fastball; maybe I should have mixed it up a little more," said (Todd) Jones, as quoted by Troy Renck in the Denver Post.  

• 5/2/2003 "I'm not answering any gay questions." Todd Helton, as quoted in the Denver Post.

• 4/28/2003 "If the Rockies have any aspirations of playing meaningful games late in the season, they must be competitive away from Coors Field." Genius Troy Renck in the Denver Post. (DUH!.  ed.)

• 4/15/2003 "In what amounted to dripping Sea Breeze in an open wound, Larry Walker drilled a solo shot..."

• Troy Renck in the Denver Post. (In what amounted to pouring obscure and meaningless analogies on helpless readers, Troy Renck struck again...  ed.)

• 4/11/2003 "This season, they (the Rockies) are more muscle than Urkel on "Family Matters." Troy Renck in the Denver Post. (How many of your readers will get this reference, Troy? 5? 10? That's as dumb as Pino on "Some of My Best Friends". ed.)

• 4/8/2003 "...Colorado leaned heavily on starting pitcher Shawn Chacon, fearless relievers and a defense that conjured images of the Orange Crush." Troy Renck in the Denver Post. (Exactly what plays reminded you of the 70's football team, Troy? ed.)

• 4/8/2003 "Baseball is reaction; it's not like in football where the offense has the ball." Preston Wilson, as quoted by Troy Renck in the Denver Post. (At least Mr. Wilson knows what sport he is involved in, Troy. ed.)

• 3/28/2003 "With about six weeks remaining in the 1998 season, Mike Littwin, who then was lending his wit to the Rocky Mountain News sports section, suggested the sad part about the impending firing of original Colorado Rockies manager Don Baylor was that nobody would know how good Baylor was until he was gone." Tracy "Tex" Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News.

• 3/8/2003 "..something the Phillies have done (appeared in the World Series) only three times - in 1915 and 1950, when they lost, and in 1980, when they won." Jack Etkin in the Rocky Mountain News. (You might want to check the record, Jack, you seem to have missed 1983 and 1993. ed.)

• 11/25/2002 "I've got to make the best of it, I guess. I've got to go out there and try to win a championship for the Rockies." Larry Walker in the Rocky Mountain News.

• 11/21/2002 "In Denver, pitching is neutralized and speed is no factor, except on defense. And defensively, it only helps you in the middle of the diamond. The rest of your lineup needs to be offense-based. You just can't build a team here the same way you build it anywhere else." Rockies GM Dan O'Dowd on ESPN.com. (Duh. It only took him, what, 5 years to figure that out? ed.)

• 9/16/2002 "If they don't want to be part of what we are doing, then we won't be afraid to move on without them." Dealin' Dan O'Dowd, explaining why the Rockies will be starting over with all new players in 2003 to Troy E. Renck, alleged reporter for the Denver Post.

• Sometimes there are just too many lame quotes out there to choose just one a day:

• 9/5/2002 "I'm glad the people who care about the game stood up and got it done." said Jerry McMorris. (That leaves you out, doesn't it , Jerry? ed.)

• 9/5/2002 "The two sides had been close for the past few weeks on the singing bonus" ESPN.

• 8/15/2002 "If I hadn't dropped the five throws on tag plays, it wouldn't look too bad." Todd Zeile explaining why he doesn't think the Rockies will pick up his $2.5 million option for next year, as quoted by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post. (Gee, and if he just hadn't hit .140 with no homeruns and a zillion double plays in the second half, it would have looked almost mediocre. ed.)

• 8/9/2002 "I've got some ideas, and I'm just crazy enough to give them a shot." Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle as quoted by Bernie "the Bore" Lincicome in The Rocky Mountain News.

• 7/8/2002 "I think that people who look strictly at errors and fielding percentage are missing a big part of the game." Rockies' alleged 3rd baseman Todd Zeile in the Denver Post suggested by Bruce Whitley. (Mr. Zeile is correct - in order to fully evaluate his performance at third base, you need to know that he has the third most errors and second worst fielding percentage at 3B in baseball, he's 14th in assists and 16th in putouts, has made numerous mental errors in the field, is the beneficiary of the most generous home-biased official scorer anywhere, has practically no range, and leads the league in hitting into double plays. Who is the best fielding 3B in the majors? Some guy named Vinny Castilla with 3 errors. - ed.)

• 7/5/2002 "As a person, Don Baylor is a winner. There is something wrong with anyone who can't agree on that." Mike Kiley in the Chicago Sun-Times. (We don't know about Baylor, but there sure is something wrong with a reporter trashing anyone who disagrees with him. ed.)

• 6/19/2002 "It was inevitable that the Rockies would descend back to earth, but like Leslie Nielsen in "Airplane," they picked the wrong month to stop winning games." Troy E. (for ecch!) Renck in the Denver Post. (First, it was Lloyd Bridges, and secondly, what does it have to do with baseball?. ed.)

• 6/18/2002 "Coors no longer HR alley." Mike Klis in the Denver Post. (Want to bet?. ed.)

• 6/16/2002 "It hasn't look right all year." Mike Klis in the Denver Post.

• 6/12/2002 "The Red Sox pulled a single thread, and the entire Rockies' sweater unraveled." Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post.

• 6/10/2002 "The Rockies, meanwhile, ran into the dugout with expressions befitting actors of 'Dude, Where's My Car?'" Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post. (Sorry, Troy, once again we have no idea what you are trying to say. ed.)

• 6/9/2002 "Your chances of winning, I've got to believe are really, really small when you score one run in 18 innings." Clint Hurdle, quoted by Troy E. Renck in The Denver Post.

• 6/7/2002 "How do you deal with the frustration? Do you go home and kick the dog? I'm on my third dog this season." San Diego Manager Bruce Bochy.

• 6/4/2002 "There's a fine line between winning a ballgame and losing by six runs, Hurdle said." Quoted by Troy E. Renck in The Denver Post.

• 6/2/2002 "If the Coors Field humidor has taught us anything, it's that adjusting the weight of the baseball by as little as a quarter ounce can have a dramatic impact on a ballgame's offense." Physics genius Mike "Einstein" Klis in The Denver Post (NOTE: No one has ever said the "humidor" affects the weight of the baseball, and the book is still out on whether it has any effect at all. ed.)

• 6/1/2002 "You can't sweep if you don't win the first game, and it's tougher to win two out of three if you lose the first one." Mathematician Extraordinaire Todd Helton, quoted by "Ten Gallon" Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News.

• 5/28/2002 "...this is a big boys' league. If you do well here, you don't go up." Clint Hurdle, as quoted in the Denver Post by Troy E. Renck (the "E" is not for "Eloquent") in the Denver Post.

• 5/27/2002 "Moments after dispatching the San Francisco Giants 10-6 on Sunday afternoon, the Rockies were acting like a good team, not like a group of players waiting for the valet to bring back keys to a pumpkin." Troy E. Renck (the "E" is for "Ehh?") in the Denver Post.

• 5/26/2002 "What the humidor does, in effect, is soak the altitude out of Coors Field." Mike Klis in the Denver Post.

• 5/25/2002 "We enjoy the ride. By all means, you enjoy the ride." Clint Hurdle as quoted by Mark Kiszla in the Denver Post.

• "5/19/2002 "...when is the last time at Coors Field where everybody was on the edge of their seat with every pitch?" Clint Hurdle, quoted by Troy E. Renck in The Denver Post. (The last time was in 1995, and we're still waiting for the next one - it doesn't happen when you're watching a last place team. ed.)

• 5/17/2002 "Baseball cannot be reborn until sleazy Selig and the selfish players kill it first." Mike Kiszla in the Denver Post.
  5/16/2002 "I have seen 425 ballgames here. You have never won until you have won." Clint Hurdle, quoted by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post.   

• 5/15/2002 "Helton has talked to his bosses about the sunshine problem.  The Rockies' bosses have looked into it. ""There's nothing you can do about it," Helton said." discussing the blinding sunsets at Coors Field -- Mike Klis in The Denver Post

• 5/13/2002 "Rockies pitch well, but humidor gets the credit." Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News. (You are the only one that thinks that, Ringolsby.  ed.)

• 5/12/2002 "To moms across the land, there is only one thing to say: Smoke 'em if you got 'em." Mike Klis in The Denver Post. (Another meaningless and illiterate phrase used by Klis for no apparent reason. ed.)

• 5/11/2002 "To Shea the least, Hampton not awed by N.Y. return." Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News. (We're sure it sounded clever when you thought it up, Tracy. But it was probably late, and you were tired... ed.) 

• 5/10/2002 "I am never happy with a loss, but I am happy with the way we handled our business." Clint Hurdle, quoted by Troy Renck in the Denver Post.

• 5/8/2002 '"You keep playing hard and some good things are going to happen," Hurdle said.' Quoted by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post. (Does he really say things like that? Only Troy knows for sure. ed.)

• 5/7/2002 "Walker and Expos: Not much adieu about anything" Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News. (You just can't write a lamer headline than that! Thanks, Tracy! ed.)

• 5/6/2002 "We're just not getting it done," said catcher Gary Bennett as reported by Mike Klis in the Denver Post.

• 5/5/2002 "As a former second-team All-America football player at Colorado State who went on to play in the NFL, he (Rockies President Keli McGregor) understands athletics at the highest level." Mike Klis in the Denver Post (Mr. Klis seems to think this somehow qualifies McGregor to be the president of a Major League BASEBALL team. We're sure all the other BASEBALL teams are breathlessly watching the NFL waiver wire for their next president. ed.)

• 5/3/2002 "For seven years, Coors Field has been more offensive than Howard Stern." by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post

• 5/2/2002 "The better we pitch and the better we play defense, the more games we're going to win." Clint Hurdle, quoted by Irv Moss in the Denver Post. (When exactly did he figure this out? If he knew, he should have told Buddy. - ed.)

• 5/1/2002 "Our little weak sister of a newspaper you're forced to read on Saturdays, which serves as an apologist for the Rockies, is fond of irrelevant baseball statistics - such as how many forkballs a pitcher throws on 2-0 counts in a 14-3 defeat." Woody Paige in the Denver Post, referring to the Rocky Mountain News. (we would rather read irrelevant facts than banal, biased opinions. ed.)

• 5/1/2002 "Put simply, if Pirates starter Dave Williams were a piñata, there would have been candy scattered across the mound in the bottom of the fourth." by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post (Still struggling with the Analogy-thing?  Try just reporting the facts, Troy. ed).

• 4/30/2002 "Rich asked me if I could assure him that he wouldn't be replaced by the end of the year. That's a tall order. I couldn't make that assurance. That's not to say he wouldn't have stayed with us until the end of the year." Clint Hurdle talking about Rich Donnelly, as quoted by Mike Klis in the Denver Post (makes you wonder what isn't a "tall order"...ed)

• 4/29/2002 "We were in support of Buddy until last weekend." Monfort said.  "But it became clear to us that he was uncomfortable with his job and (general manager) Dan (O'Dowd).  It was a marriage that was no longer viable." as quoted by Toy E. Renck in the Denver Post (give me a break...)

• 4/28/2002 "It's a job, I realize now, where every single day you go to work, someone's not going to like something you've done. After a while that can wear on you." Dealin' Dan O'Dowd, Rockies GM as quoted by Mike Klis in the Denver Post. (Where has O'Dowd been living - Fantasyland? Welcome to the real world. ed.)

• 4/27/2002 "It's just male testosterone. I just have to get these guys to bring their own bags to the table." Clint Hurdle, quoted by Bernie Lincicome in the Rocky Mountain News (We have no idea what he means. ed.)

• 4/27/2002 "We've got to rekindle the spirit to be dominant at Coors Field and take it on the road. We've got to push that snowball down the hill. We've all got to pull on the same end of the rope. We're gonna pull a rabbit out of the hat and ask who wants to come along." Clint Hurdle, quoted by Bernie Lincicome in the Rocky Mountain News (As Mr. Lincicome said: "It makes as much sense as anything else they've tried." ed)

• 4/26/2002 "As Kent Mercker nervously warmed up in the bullpen in February, he was an Agatha Christie novel disguised in a baseball uniform -- a mystery." Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post

• 4/25/2002 "Blow up the Rockies. Sure it's still early in the baseball season. But, after 20 games, I've seen enough. And judging from all those empty seats on Blake Street, you have too." Mark Kiszla, "writer" for the Denver Newspaper Monopoly. (There are seats on Blake Street? ed)

• 4/24/2002 "You are going to lose games when you are horrible, and right now we are horrible." Larry Walker, quoted by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post.

• 4/23/2002 "(Juan) Pierre, 24, doesn't exactly inspire fear along the lines of The Rock in "The Scorpion King." Troy E. Renck, Denver Post. ( Another weak analogy or simply a shameless plug for a movie? ed)

• 4/22/2002 "Fact is, if Johnson is on, he makes 'The Blair Witch Project' look like an after-school special." Troy E. Renck, Denver Post.  Somebody flunked Analogy 101.

• 4/21/2002 "We should be better off than where we are now. But it's just the little things that are hurting us." Rockies' owner Charlie Monfort told ESPN. Ever consider that it might be the big things, Charlie? 

• 4/19/2002 The latest in Rocky Mountain News "writer" Tracy Ringolsby's quest to cram as many words into a sentence as possible: "While Denny Neagle (2-2) performed his version of bend-but-don't-break in a challenging five innings, Helton tripled ahead of a Greg Norton home run in the first that gave the Rockies a short-lived 2-0 lead, had a sacrifice fly that gave them back the lead at 3-2 in the third, and then, after scoring the run that gave the Rockies a 4-3 lead in the sixth, accounted for four more runs in the seventh." That's about 86 words when read, plus 5 commas, 8 dashes, and the longed-for period.

• 4/18/2002 "I love the outdoors. I won't even stay in a hotel if the windows don't open." Bill Ford, goofy relative of Henry Ford, uttered as part of a television commercial for Ford cars.

• 4/17/2002 "This isn't a comedy club." Todd Helton to the laughing reporters in the Rockies' clubhouse after the latest loss.

• 4/16/2002 ""We are all going to have to chip in if we are going to be successful," the catcher (Gary Bennet) said." Quoted by Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post

• 4/15/2002 "Delivering big hits is not second nature.. If it were, all players would be better in the clutch than Mr. Goodwrench." Troy E. Renck in the Denver Post.

• 4/14/2002 "A win is a win and a loss is a loss, no matter who you are playing. Every game matters." Buddy Bell, quoted (does he really say these things or do the reporters make them up?) by Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News.

• 4/13/2002 "We are not the New York Yankees or the Atlanta Braves and think we are just going to roll off 12 wins in a row. We need to get it going soon." Denny Neagle as quoted in the Denver Post.

• 4/12/2002 "People are going to look at the numbers and say whatever they want to say. I have to look past the numbers. I thought he (Mike Hampton, who gave up 7 runs in 7 innings) was improved. I thought he was his old self." Buddy Bell, quoted by Tracy Ringolsby in the Rocky Mountain News

• 4/11/2002 "It's tacky at the top." Luis Gonzalez of the Arizona Diamondbacks referring to the auction of a wad of gum he spit out in Spring Training.

• 4/10/2002 "I can't remember the last time I won, "Shawn Chacon said. Denver Post.  More sad than lame.

• 4/9/2002 "There's too many people involved in this game who don't know the game," Bell said.  Denver Post.

• 4/8/2002 "There is, after all, crying in baseball - in Denver" Woody Paige in the Denver Post.

• 4/7/2002 "I feel terrible.  I need to get my eyes checked or something," Helton said. Denver Post

• 4/6/2002 "The first playoff game in Denver history was far more electric than the 1998 All-Star Game, which was overshadowed by the Beanie Baby craze." Mike Klis in the Denver Post, once again proving beyond a shadow of doubt that he never attends any games or has any idea what goes on at Coors Field.

• 4/5/2002 "The Rockies got rid of Ashby because he couldn't pitch in Coors Field", Rockies TV announcer (Ashby left in 1993, Coors Field opened in 1995)

• 4/4/2002 "O.J. Simpson is in the middle of the greatest comeback in history, just to rejoin the human race." Bernie Lincicome in the Rocky Mountain News.

• 4/3/2002 "Viña is certainly not going on an 0 and 2 count.... There he goes!" Wayne Hagin, KOA Radio.

• 4/2/2002 "They (the Rockies) don't look like a major-league baseball team, but more like a Wednesday night Industrial Softball League team with every player supplying his own uniform." Woody Paige in the Denver Post.

• 4/1/2002 "If Vinny (Castilla) and Gary (Sheffield) play like they did today, wow, they're going to have some big numbers!" "Chipper" Jones, as quoted in the Denver Post. (The numbers are always big when you're using crayons, Chip.)